Tag: depression

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Waiting to see what will come

Posted on by Susan Porter

Most days I’m good and I have come a long way in the last year. I still have moments in some days that I’m sad and/or lonely. I have never been one to be lonely, nor have I ever needed anyone and I have always been fine on my own, but now a part of me is missing.

I miss the love, friendship and companionship if the man I fell in love with. I wish things had never changed. I loved my life and it was finally complete with him in it. Now that he’s gone and even though we are talking and I am unsure of what our future holds and I know that things will never be the same.

It is still very difficult at times for me to understand. This man who I thought loved me so, has left me questioning if his love was real. I know in my heart that he did love me, as what we had can’t be faked. Sadly, he has things to work out within himself and what we had may never be again. I have accepted this but the hurt still cuts deep. When I see two people in love who are happy and truly enjoying each other, I feel the pain and emptiness in my heart that was for a brief moment in my life, full of love for a man who made me feel so alive, whole and complete. All I can do is wonder if I will ever be lucky enough to have that again someday.

So as days go by, I just move forward towards an uncertain future, not knowing where life will take me. I’m just sad to think of what could have been and wondering if there are any good guys left in this world?

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What a difference a year makes….

Posted on by Susan Porter

I have been absent for months now, but there have been some big events with my current situation and a roller coaster of emotions that have followed. That being said, I am in a good place, but still very unsure of my/our future. Hopefully in time, it will be a happy ending.

Well a lot has changed since this time last year. Just over a year ago, I found myself in a deep depression since my husband just left one day went I went to work. It has taken antidepressants, a few therapy sessions, many trips to the gym and several months, but I have gradually gotten back to a “new” normal life without him.

It was not a life that I had ever thought I would be living, but here I was. Afterall, I had found the most wonderful man in the entire world. He was everything I could have ever wanted. After twelve long months, he finally reached out to me. He was in one of his darkest times and I was glad that I was there for him to talk to. Had I not been there, I don’t think he would be here today. We have discussed him coming home, but there would need to be therapy and medication to help move to a more normal life for both of us.

My husband suffers from depression, most likely bipolar depression. Something that he has finally accepted and willing to get help. This is no surprise to me, as I had done research on depression since this whole ordeal began about six to eight weeks after his knee replacement surgery in August of 2016. I have blogged about this in a previous blog.

He has an appointment coming up and we are moving toward a more positive place. We have a long way to go and I don’t know what the future holds for either of us. I have had to push the love and feelings that I have for him so far down so I would no longer feel the hurt. I am still very guarded and have not let and these feelings come to the surface. He has some things he needs to do for himself, but he knows that I am here for him, to support and help him in any way he needs me.

I hope to have a positive update real soon.

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Sting of the Pain

Posted on by Susan Porter

Another week/weekend has come and gone and with each passing day, week and month I move further away from the hurt and pain that I went through almost ten months ago. At times it seems so long ago, like a bad dream and at times not real.  Most of the time, I am good about pushing the hurt down, keeping my memories superficial and skin deep to keep the pain away.  Despite these efforts, I think of him of every day.  My mind replays and analyzes every moment, every word/s said and action/s that went on between us for the last two years.  When I let my heart and head go back to that horrible day and relive the days and weeks since he left, it is very clear that the hurt is still there just below the surface and I still get the same sick feeling in my stomach.  I don’t blog about these things to get attention or for anyone to pity or feel sorry for me.  I share them in hopes of helping others out there that have gone through or may be going through a similar experience and to let them know that they are not alone.

I’m a pretty good judge of character and I’ve asked myself so many times, what did I miss?  Where there “red flags” that I did not see or didn’t want to see?  Clearly the answer is no.  Had my family and friends not seen how this man treated me, loved me and made me the center of his world, I honestly would think I had lost my mind and was it all just a lie.  My mind goes back and forth wondering if he really loved me and no matter how hard I try to tell myself maybe it wasn’t real, I know in my heart and head it was very real.  He has said some things that have been very hurtful since he left and it has been devastating to me to have been his world and so important to him to wake up one day, him gone and me being reduced to nothing.  His words and actions, make me believe that he wouldn’t care if I died today.  He has become someone that I do not know.  It is all very difficult to process because his leaving was so unexpected. I know that it has nothing to do with me and he has told me that, but it doesn’t make the hurt any less.  Even though I know it is not me, I have thoughts at times that may be I wasn’t good enough or maybe if I had done something different he would still be here, but I know none of this is true.  I have always been a very positive, strong and independent person, not needing anyone to make me complete.  I still feel this way, except I know how much it hurts your heart and soul to lose someone that you love with all that is in you.  I always thought that people were weak when they couldn’t deal with the separation and/or divorce of a spouse or loved one.  I now have a understanding how hard it really is when you still love that person and you aren’t ready to let go.  Just to be clear, I am talking about love and not co-dependency or obsession.  From the day he left, I have not been the same and have found myself in very unfamiliar territory.  I was unable to cope with the situation and I found myself on anti-depressants and medication to help with anxiety.  These medications saved my life and I am so glad that I was able to realize that I needed help.  Without them, I probably would not be here today.  Do not ever think you are weak or don’t need help.

Everyone who has lost someone they loved, has to grieve.  The time each person needs to grieve is a unique and personal journey with no finish line.  It’s not a race, and while some may only grieve a short time, others may need much more time to work through the 7 stages and in no particular order.  Don’t let anyone make you feel like you grieved long enough and that you should be okay by now.  If you’re not that’s okay.  Take all the time you need.  We grieve because we love and love is a part of all of us.  Love can change but does not end.

The 7 stages we go through are shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction & working through and acceptance & hope.  They are part of the framework that makes up our learning how to live without the one we lost.  To grieve well, depends solely on the individual experience and listening to your own reality.  Each love is unique and no stages are capable of containing all the experiences of love and pain.

I have gone through many of these stages, some more than once.  It is clear that I have not fully worked through some of these.  Remember, it’s not a race and you need to take all the time needed to work through a process each one.  Trying to find a way for it all to make sense can be like a dog chasing his tail.  My thoughts go round and round trying to figure out what happened and why, and I know that I may never find the answer.  This is what makes this process so difficult.  We all want closure, as this helps us make sense of what happened and helps us move on.  Without closure, we have to find a way to let go and move on.  

Letting go and moving on is an individual journey and you have to find constructive ways to process what has happened so you can move forward in life.  This can be through therapy, exercise or talking to family and/or friends.  For me, music is a big part of my life.  Music can take us away from all the clutter in our lives.  We can escape from reality for a moment in a song.  Songs remind us of loved ones and take us back to special times in our lives.  Songs can also stir up memories and emotions that can make us sad but can also give us encouragement.  I listen to my music every day on my way to and from work, at work and while at the gym.  Some songs are still too painful to listen to, while others give me hope in inspiration.  One that has come up on my playlist several times recently is this song by Sara Evans.  It is almost as if I wrote this song and it couldn’t explain my life at this point any more perfect than this song.  So for now, it’s the music that’s helping me let go.

 

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain

But I brushed my teeth anyway

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger

 

Riding in the car to work and I’m

Trying to ignore the hurt so I

Turned on the radio,

Stupid song made me think of you

I listened to it for minute

But then I changed it

I’m getting a little bit stronger,

Just a little bit stronger

 

And I’m done hoping

That we could work it out

I’m done with how it feels,

Spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around

And, oh, I’m done thinking

You could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

 

It doesn’t happen overnight but you

Turn around and a month’s gone by

And you realize you haven’t cried

I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer

I’m busy getting stronger

 

And I’m done hoping

That we can work it out

I’m done with how it feels,

Spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around

And, oh, I’m done thinking,

You could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days,

I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

 

Getting along without you baby

I’m better off without you baby

How does it feel without me baby?

I’m getting stronger without you baby

 

And I’m done hoping we could work it out

I’m done with how it feels,

Spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around

And, oh, I’m done thinking

That you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

 

And just a little bit stronger

A little bit,

A little bit,

A little bit stronger

Get a little bit stronger

broken-heart.jpg.653x0_q80_crop-smart

 

family and friends

To have Loved and Lost?

Posted on by Susan Porter

As the weekend comes to a close and as I sit here tonight, for the first time I feel lonely.  I miss not having someone who I love to sit with, talk to, share my day, hold, kiss, laugh or just to be in each others company.  I have always been a very independent person, happy with or without someone and confident and comfortable with who I am.  This isn’t about being alone at all.  After forty-four years, I finally know what it feels like to love and to be loved only to have it all just go away one day, as it never happened. It seems so long ago but it’s only been 9 months.

I lost you

Is it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before?  If you would have asked me this 3 years ago, my answer would have unequivocally been yes, without a doubt.  Love is a very intense, wonderful feeling.  It is euphoric and a happiness like no other.  To love and to have lost is the most painful heartache that I have ever experienced in my entire life.  To give everything that is you to another person, leaves you very vulnerable to the worst heartbreak anyone could ever imagine.  So, is it worth the risk?

Even though the pain has been crippling leaving too many days to count, I thought I would never make it.  Honestly I didn’t care if I did or didn’t.  I have never felt so alone even though I had family and friends that supported and helped me make it to where I am today.  No one wants to be alone.  It is human nature to want to share your life, you day, the good ones and the bad with someone you love.  God did not intended us to be solitary.  We find comfort and warmth when we have loved ones to share our lives with.

I have been working on a blog about this experience, but it has been difficult.  Having to re-live all the pain and misery has been difficult but I’m working through it, slowly.  As I mentioned before, my goal is to put out a blog at least twice a week, that being Mondays and Fridays.  So I am pushing through and I hope to be back on track.  I hope that my experiences will help and maybe give comfort to others who have had similar events happen to them.  I will continue to work on my blog about depression and will post it as soon as it is completed, but until then, there are many things waiting to be discussed.

I am always open and welcome discussions on this topic or any others so don’t be shy.

 

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A little bit about what inspired me and why I blog

Posted on by Susan Porter

I was inspired to do this because of a recent life changing event. It was such an eye opening time for me that for the first time in my life, I truly had a real understanding of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I shared how this time of my life came about in last night’s blog called Gone Guy. I underestimated how difficult this blog would be to write. It took me almost 4 days to complete. Having to recall and relive the most heartbreak I have ever been through just a little over 8 months ago brought back a lot of emotions. My next blog will be about this time, how I got where I am today and what I think my future looks like.

My goal as a blogger was to blog every Monday and Friday consistently, if not more.  I feel that my best writing comes when the inspiration hits me. This could be anytime of the day or night. I’m no James Patterson but I try to put something interesting and worth the read into my blogs. I do some of my best thinking during my drive to and from work as well as during work. As far as topics, I have a list that I continue to add to but as for what I chose to write about, well I let it just pick itself. It’s what comes to and inspires me at the time. I’m always open to suggestions so feel free to recommend something that you wish to discuss.

I am a bit OCD and I try to put out a decent and hopefully interesting blog and not just a bunch of empty rambling. This is what makes the Monday Friday thing difficult. If it’s not how I want it to be then I won’t post it until I’m happy with it. I’m learning as I go and I’m sure I will make adjustments and changes as I gain more knowledge of this whole thing.

I like that I am able to share my life and stories. I hope it will make someone’s life a little better, maybe giving them hope at a time when they have none.
I welcome comments and questions. Who knows, we could find ourselves in an interesting discussion.

family and friends

Gone Guy

Posted on by Susan Porter

Sometimes I think back about last year and how much has changed and how different my life is today.    

The last two years have been the best and the worst times in my life.  I have never been so happy, content and on top of the world.  I finally felt like I was “home” and where I belonged.  I have lost some of the most loved and important people in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for such a shocking and strange turn of events.

I have never suffered from depression, panic attacks or anxiey, but I suddenly found myself in the darkest times of my life.  I have a newfound respect and understanding of just how severe and debilitating depression, anxiety and panic attacks can be.  I am a very strong-willed, independent, positive person.  I have never needed anyone in my life to make it complete, nor am I co-dependant.  I have a positive outlook and know that there is always something to be learned and taken from every situation no matter how bad it might be.  To date, I am still unclear what it is that I am to understand and take away from this time in my life.  Some day it will become clear.  So, until then……

After finally getting free from a loveless, dysfunctional twenty-one year marriage, I decided to give online dating one more try.  A few days before Christmas 2014, I met the most amazing man.  We had so much in common and it was like we had known each other for years.  We spent all of our free time together.  My kids accepted him and I couldn’t have asked for a better father figure.  He filled a huge void for them (another blog for another time).  This is just how I imagined a relationship should be.  We supported each other in all of our endeavors and passions, and I finally understood at the age of forty-four what it felt like to be loved by someone and what it meant to truly love another.    

I craved his presence not his attention.  His job required that he travel some and we hated to be apart from one another.  He was usually only away for five days, but it seemed like an eternity.  During his absence, I felt as though a part of me was missing. We both counted the days as they dragged on until he returned.  I couldn’t help but worry when he was away.  To imagine a life without him hurt my heart and I felt as if someone had knocked the air out of me, leaving me gasping for my next breath.  Being apart from him even if it was only a few hours was painful.  I felt like I had lost so much time in my previous marriage and didn’t want more time to slip away from such a great relationship.  I was always so excited and eager to see him again when we were apart. To hug him, hold his hand, kiss him and just to spend time with him brought me so much joy, happiness and a smile to my face.  Oh, how he made me smile….. and laugh.  I can’t ever recall a time in my adult life that I felt so happy and full of life.  He brought so much love and brightness into my life.  He always made me feel like the most beautiful, loved and important woman in the entire world.  I was his world and he was mine. We were all each other ever needed and we were both the happiest we had ever been. He made me feel safe.  I loved everything about him, even all of his flaws.  I was responsible for his heart and he mine.  I know that this is how love is supposed to be and to truly love another makes anyone vulnerability to a broken heart.      

After several months of dating, he asked me to marry him.  I was honored to be his wife and couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else.  The thought of spending the rest of my life with him was all I could ever want.  We married in October 2015 and in February 2016, bought a house together that would accommodate our new family.  We made plans, talked about our future, where we’d like to retire and maybe buy a lake or beach house for our kids and us to all enjoy.  

Just a little more than a year ago, he underwent a total knee replacement.  He had other knee surgeries in the past and was up and about the next day.  Of course they were much less invasive and he hated being out of commission too long.  I told him that this was going to be very different and to not expect to be up and about as he has been in the past. Needless to say, he was in an extreme amount of pain.  It was a lot of trial and error before his doctor finally came up with a drug combination that gave him the most relief. Percocet, which most of you may not realize is prescription heroin.  Taking it only two weeks, you can become addicted.  Percocet becomes a normal chemistry process of the brain and when you stop taking it you will begin to experience withdrawal symptoms as your brain tries to re-regulate your brain chemistry.  He was also prescribed Gabapentin as medication to treat seizures, and one of its off label uses is for pain.  These two provided the most relief.  We were unaware at the time that it is not recommended to take opioids with Gabapentin as it can significantly increase side effects.  When the body is in extreme pain, there is little concern as to the consequences what drugs and drug combinations can do to your mind and/or body.  He took his medication as prescribed. Percocet every 4 hours and Gabapentin every 8 hours around the clock, never missing a single dose for just over 6 weeks.  I was concerned as time went on because I knew he would not be able to stay on Percocet forever and he needed to find someway to begin to taper off.  He did not share my same concern at first, but did admit that he was beginning to worry the further away we got from his surgery.  You can read more about addiction and treatment on Addictionblog.org

In October (2016) as he began to have less post surgical pain, we discussed with his doctor about tapering off.  The doctor recommended dropping the midday dose of Gabapentin but to keep with the same dose of Percocet at this time.  He did as the doctor recommended but since the drug has a very short half-life, only 5 to 7 hours, withdrawal symptoms begin twelve hours after the last dose was taken.  He did this for a short time but since his pain was much improved, he made the decision to stop taking Gabapentin. By doing this he suffered just about all the withdraw symptoms and after reading about Gabapentin, we both realized that stopping “cold turkey” was is a huge mistake.  This drug works by changing the way in which nerves send messages to your brain.  Stopping abruptly can cause seizures, increased blood pressure, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, agitation and many other symptoms.  Another reason this is not recommended is because it can alter brain function.  In some individuals it can take up to a year from the last dose for normal brain function to return while for others may never return.  These side effects become more severe when these two drugs are combined.  I did some research online and discovered that everyone who had suddenly stopped taking it without tapering had to put themselves back on their original dose and begin a slow taper.  The time of duration and taper depends on how much and how long you have been taking the medication.  You can read more by going to this link Gabapentin Withdrawal Symptoms & Duration.  He was slowly becoming someone I did not recognize.  He was depressed, agitated and withdrawn.  He was clearly not the same caring and patient man I fell in love with and everyone noticed the change.

All I wanted was my husband back.  We discussed how he was feeling and what was going on with him on several occasions.  I felt that things were not the same since making the attempt to get off his medication and the man I knew was slowly slipping away from me.  Honestly, he changed the day he just stopped taking Gabapentin.  Even though he started back on it and began to slowly taper, he wasn’t the same person.  It was as if someone flipped a switch and he was a completely different. I told him that it didn’t seem like he was happy and if he wasn’t happy with me or our life, it would break my heart if he left, but I did not want him to stay somewhere if he wasn’t happy.  He assured me that he we were ok and he was working on it.  As the days passed, it seemed like he was slowly making his way back to the man he was.  As the holidays grew near, we discussed Christmas.  He just didn’t seem like his heart was in any of it.  

He had to travel for work the first week of December and while he was away, my daughter and I decorated for Christmas, hoping this would bring him some happiness when he returned.  He seem excited to be home and as usual, I was excited he was home too.  The weekend rolls around.  On Sunday he did the laundry, we watched football and prepared for the week ahead. Monday morning, he got up, got us both a cup of coffee as he always did. I got ready for work, kissed him goodbye and went off to work. We always texted throughout the day and he would always text me asking when I was going to be home (He worked from home).  I had an easy day so I texted him and told him I’d be home soon. He replied “great!”.  My daughter noticed that our yorkie seemed to be missing. This was his dog he had before we met.  My husband had left and didn’t tell anyone that he was leaving or where he was going, which was not his norm.  My daughter called and said she couldn’t find our yorkie.  I texted my husband, asked if she was with him because my daughter couldn’t find her.  Since he was driving I knew it might be a bit before I heard back. I called him and the phone went to voicemail. When I tried again, the call was ended. This was all very strange because he always took my calls.  He texted me back.  His text said “It’s better this way, I’ll text you when I get where I’m going.”  I texted him back and asked what he was talking about and questioned if he was leaving me. He replied “yes”.  The morning of December 19, 2015 was the last time I saw and actually spoke words to my husband and the day my life changed…..forever.