Sometimes I think back about last year and how much has changed and how different my life is today.    

The last two years have been the best and the worst times in my life.  I have never been so happy, content and on top of the world.  I finally felt like I was “home” and where I belonged.  I have lost some of the most loved and important people in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for such a shocking and strange turn of events.

I have never suffered from depression, panic attacks or anxiey, but I suddenly found myself in the darkest times of my life.  I have a newfound respect and understanding of just how severe and debilitating depression, anxiety and panic attacks can be.  I am a very strong-willed, independent, positive person.  I have never needed anyone in my life to make it complete, nor am I co-dependant.  I have a positive outlook and know that there is always something to be learned and taken from every situation no matter how bad it might be.  To date, I am still unclear what it is that I am to understand and take away from this time in my life.  Some day it will become clear.  So, until then……

After finally getting free from a loveless, dysfunctional twenty-one year marriage, I decided to give online dating one more try.  A few days before Christmas 2014, I met the most amazing man.  We had so much in common and it was like we had known each other for years.  We spent all of our free time together.  My kids accepted him and I couldn’t have asked for a better father figure.  He filled a huge void for them (another blog for another time).  This is just how I imagined a relationship should be.  We supported each other in all of our endeavors and passions, and I finally understood at the age of forty-four what it felt like to be loved by someone and what it meant to truly love another.    

I craved his presence not his attention.  His job required that he travel some and we hated to be apart from one another.  He was usually only away for five days, but it seemed like an eternity.  During his absence, I felt as though a part of me was missing. We both counted the days as they dragged on until he returned.  I couldn’t help but worry when he was away.  To imagine a life without him hurt my heart and I felt as if someone had knocked the air out of me, leaving me gasping for my next breath.  Being apart from him even if it was only a few hours was painful.  I felt like I had lost so much time in my previous marriage and didn’t want more time to slip away from such a great relationship.  I was always so excited and eager to see him again when we were apart. To hug him, hold his hand, kiss him and just to spend time with him brought me so much joy, happiness and a smile to my face.  Oh, how he made me smile….. and laugh.  I can’t ever recall a time in my adult life that I felt so happy and full of life.  He brought so much love and brightness into my life.  He always made me feel like the most beautiful, loved and important woman in the entire world.  I was his world and he was mine. We were all each other ever needed and we were both the happiest we had ever been. He made me feel safe.  I loved everything about him, even all of his flaws.  I was responsible for his heart and he mine.  I know that this is how love is supposed to be and to truly love another makes anyone vulnerability to a broken heart.      

After several months of dating, he asked me to marry him.  I was honored to be his wife and couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else.  The thought of spending the rest of my life with him was all I could ever want.  We married in October 2015 and in February 2016, bought a house together that would accommodate our new family.  We made plans, talked about our future, where we’d like to retire and maybe buy a lake or beach house for our kids and us to all enjoy.  

Just a little more than a year ago, he underwent a total knee replacement.  He had other knee surgeries in the past and was up and about the next day.  Of course they were much less invasive and he hated being out of commission too long.  I told him that this was going to be very different and to not expect to be up and about as he has been in the past. Needless to say, he was in an extreme amount of pain.  It was a lot of trial and error before his doctor finally came up with a drug combination that gave him the most relief. Percocet, which most of you may not realize is prescription heroin.  Taking it only two weeks, you can become addicted.  Percocet becomes a normal chemistry process of the brain and when you stop taking it you will begin to experience withdrawal symptoms as your brain tries to re-regulate your brain chemistry.  He was also prescribed Gabapentin as medication to treat seizures, and one of its off label uses is for pain.  These two provided the most relief.  We were unaware at the time that it is not recommended to take opioids with Gabapentin as it can significantly increase side effects.  When the body is in extreme pain, there is little concern as to the consequences what drugs and drug combinations can do to your mind and/or body.  He took his medication as prescribed. Percocet every 4 hours and Gabapentin every 8 hours around the clock, never missing a single dose for just over 6 weeks.  I was concerned as time went on because I knew he would not be able to stay on Percocet forever and he needed to find someway to begin to taper off.  He did not share my same concern at first, but did admit that he was beginning to worry the further away we got from his surgery.  You can read more about addiction and treatment on Addictionblog.org

In October (2016) as he began to have less post surgical pain, we discussed with his doctor about tapering off.  The doctor recommended dropping the midday dose of Gabapentin but to keep with the same dose of Percocet at this time.  He did as the doctor recommended but since the drug has a very short half-life, only 5 to 7 hours, withdrawal symptoms begin twelve hours after the last dose was taken.  He did this for a short time but since his pain was much improved, he made the decision to stop taking Gabapentin. By doing this he suffered just about all the withdraw symptoms and after reading about Gabapentin, we both realized that stopping “cold turkey” was is a huge mistake.  This drug works by changing the way in which nerves send messages to your brain.  Stopping abruptly can cause seizures, increased blood pressure, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, agitation and many other symptoms.  Another reason this is not recommended is because it can alter brain function.  In some individuals it can take up to a year from the last dose for normal brain function to return while for others may never return.  These side effects become more severe when these two drugs are combined.  I did some research online and discovered that everyone who had suddenly stopped taking it without tapering had to put themselves back on their original dose and begin a slow taper.  The time of duration and taper depends on how much and how long you have been taking the medication.  You can read more by going to this link Gabapentin Withdrawal Symptoms & Duration.  He was slowly becoming someone I did not recognize.  He was depressed, agitated and withdrawn.  He was clearly not the same caring and patient man I fell in love with and everyone noticed the change.

All I wanted was my husband back.  We discussed how he was feeling and what was going on with him on several occasions.  I felt that things were not the same since making the attempt to get off his medication and the man I knew was slowly slipping away from me.  Honestly, he changed the day he just stopped taking Gabapentin.  Even though he started back on it and began to slowly taper, he wasn’t the same person.  It was as if someone flipped a switch and he was a completely different. I told him that it didn’t seem like he was happy and if he wasn’t happy with me or our life, it would break my heart if he left, but I did not want him to stay somewhere if he wasn’t happy.  He assured me that he we were ok and he was working on it.  As the days passed, it seemed like he was slowly making his way back to the man he was.  As the holidays grew near, we discussed Christmas.  He just didn’t seem like his heart was in any of it.  

He had to travel for work the first week of December and while he was away, my daughter and I decorated for Christmas, hoping this would bring him some happiness when he returned.  He seem excited to be home and as usual, I was excited he was home too.  The weekend rolls around.  On Sunday he did the laundry, we watched football and prepared for the week ahead. Monday morning, he got up, got us both a cup of coffee as he always did. I got ready for work, kissed him goodbye and went off to work. We always texted throughout the day and he would always text me asking when I was going to be home (He worked from home).  I had an easy day so I texted him and told him I’d be home soon. He replied “great!”.  My daughter noticed that our yorkie seemed to be missing. This was his dog he had before we met.  My husband had left and didn’t tell anyone that he was leaving or where he was going, which was not his norm.  My daughter called and said she couldn’t find our yorkie.  I texted my husband, asked if she was with him because my daughter couldn’t find her.  Since he was driving I knew it might be a bit before I heard back. I called him and the phone went to voicemail. When I tried again, the call was ended. This was all very strange because he always took my calls.  He texted me back.  His text said “It’s better this way, I’ll text you when I get where I’m going.”  I texted him back and asked what he was talking about and questioned if he was leaving me. He replied “yes”.  The morning of December 19, 2015 was the last time I saw and actually spoke words to my husband and the day my life changed…..forever.