Another week/weekend has come and gone and with each passing day, week and month I move further away from the hurt and pain that I went through almost ten months ago. At times it seems so long ago, like a bad dream and at times not real. Most of the time, I am good about pushing the hurt down, keeping my memories superficial and skin deep to keep the pain away. Despite these efforts, I think of him of every day. My mind replays and analyzes every moment, every word/s said and action/s that went on between us for the last two years. When I let my heart and head go back to that horrible day and relive the days and weeks since he left, it is very clear that the hurt is still there just below the surface and I still get the same sick feeling in my stomach. I don’t blog about these things to get attention or for anyone to pity or feel sorry for me. I share them in hopes of helping others out there that have gone through or may be going through a similar experience and to let them know that they are not alone.
I’m a pretty good judge of character and I’ve asked myself so many times, what did I miss? Where there “red flags” that I did not see or didn’t want to see? Clearly the answer is no. Had my family and friends not seen how this man treated me, loved me and made me the center of his world, I honestly would think I had lost my mind and was it all just a lie. My mind goes back and forth wondering if he really loved me and no matter how hard I try to tell myself maybe it wasn’t real, I know in my heart and head it was very real. He has said some things that have been very hurtful since he left and it has been devastating to me to have been his world and so important to him to wake up one day, him gone and me being reduced to nothing. His words and actions, make me believe that he wouldn’t care if I died today. He has become someone that I do not know. It is all very difficult to process because his leaving was so unexpected. I know that it has nothing to do with me and he has told me that, but it doesn’t make the hurt any less. Even though I know it is not me, I have thoughts at times that may be I wasn’t good enough or maybe if I had done something different he would still be here, but I know none of this is true. I have always been a very positive, strong and independent person, not needing anyone to make me complete. I still feel this way, except I know how much it hurts your heart and soul to lose someone that you love with all that is in you. I always thought that people were weak when they couldn’t deal with the separation and/or divorce of a spouse or loved one. I now have a understanding how hard it really is when you still love that person and you aren’t ready to let go. Just to be clear, I am talking about love and not co-dependency or obsession. From the day he left, I have not been the same and have found myself in very unfamiliar territory. I was unable to cope with the situation and I found myself on anti-depressants and medication to help with anxiety. These medications saved my life and I am so glad that I was able to realize that I needed help. Without them, I probably would not be here today. Do not ever think you are weak or don’t need help.
Everyone who has lost someone they loved, has to grieve. The time each person needs to grieve is a unique and personal journey with no finish line. It’s not a race, and while some may only grieve a short time, others may need much more time to work through the 7 stages and in no particular order. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you grieved long enough and that you should be okay by now. If you’re not that’s okay. Take all the time you need. We grieve because we love and love is a part of all of us. Love can change but does not end.
The 7 stages we go through are shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction & working through and acceptance & hope. They are part of the framework that makes up our learning how to live without the one we lost. To grieve well, depends solely on the individual experience and listening to your own reality. Each love is unique and no stages are capable of containing all the experiences of love and pain.
I have gone through many of these stages, some more than once. It is clear that I have not fully worked through some of these. Remember, it’s not a race and you need to take all the time needed to work through a process each one. Trying to find a way for it all to make sense can be like a dog chasing his tail. My thoughts go round and round trying to figure out what happened and why, and I know that I may never find the answer. This is what makes this process so difficult. We all want closure, as this helps us make sense of what happened and helps us move on. Without closure, we have to find a way to let go and move on.
Letting go and moving on is an individual journey and you have to find constructive ways to process what has happened so you can move forward in life. This can be through therapy, exercise or talking to family and/or friends. For me, music is a big part of my life. Music can take us away from all the clutter in our lives. We can escape from reality for a moment in a song. Songs remind us of loved ones and take us back to special times in our lives. Songs can also stir up memories and emotions that can make us sad but can also give us encouragement. I listen to my music every day on my way to and from work, at work and while at the gym. Some songs are still too painful to listen to, while others give me hope in inspiration. One that has come up on my playlist several times recently is this song by Sara Evans. It is almost as if I wrote this song and it couldn’t explain my life at this point any more perfect than this song. So for now, it’s the music that’s helping me let go.
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I’m
Trying to ignore the hurt so I
Turned on the radio,
Stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute
But then I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger,
Just a little bit stronger
And I’m done hoping
That we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels,
Spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking
You could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
It doesn’t happen overnight but you
Turn around and a month’s gone by
And you realize you haven’t cried
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I’m busy getting stronger
And I’m done hoping
That we can work it out
I’m done with how it feels,
Spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking,
You could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you baby
I’m better off without you baby
How does it feel without me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby
And I’m done hoping we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels,
Spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking
That you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
And just a little bit stronger
A little bit,
A little bit,
A little bit stronger
Get a little bit stronger
