Month: August 2017

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A little bit about what inspired me and why I blog

Posted on by Susan Porter

I was inspired to do this because of a recent life changing event. It was such an eye opening time for me that for the first time in my life, I truly had a real understanding of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I shared how this time of my life came about in last night’s blog called Gone Guy. I underestimated how difficult this blog would be to write. It took me almost 4 days to complete. Having to recall and relive the most heartbreak I have ever been through just a little over 8 months ago brought back a lot of emotions. My next blog will be about this time, how I got where I am today and what I think my future looks like.

My goal as a blogger was to blog every Monday and Friday consistently, if not more.  I feel that my best writing comes when the inspiration hits me. This could be anytime of the day or night. I’m no James Patterson but I try to put something interesting and worth the read into my blogs. I do some of my best thinking during my drive to and from work as well as during work. As far as topics, I have a list that I continue to add to but as for what I chose to write about, well I let it just pick itself. It’s what comes to and inspires me at the time. I’m always open to suggestions so feel free to recommend something that you wish to discuss.

I am a bit OCD and I try to put out a decent and hopefully interesting blog and not just a bunch of empty rambling. This is what makes the Monday Friday thing difficult. If it’s not how I want it to be then I won’t post it until I’m happy with it. I’m learning as I go and I’m sure I will make adjustments and changes as I gain more knowledge of this whole thing.

I like that I am able to share my life and stories. I hope it will make someone’s life a little better, maybe giving them hope at a time when they have none.
I welcome comments and questions. Who knows, we could find ourselves in an interesting discussion.

family and friends

Gone Guy

Posted on by Susan Porter

Sometimes I think back about last year and how much has changed and how different my life is today.    

The last two years have been the best and the worst times in my life.  I have never been so happy, content and on top of the world.  I finally felt like I was “home” and where I belonged.  I have lost some of the most loved and important people in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for such a shocking and strange turn of events.

I have never suffered from depression, panic attacks or anxiey, but I suddenly found myself in the darkest times of my life.  I have a newfound respect and understanding of just how severe and debilitating depression, anxiety and panic attacks can be.  I am a very strong-willed, independent, positive person.  I have never needed anyone in my life to make it complete, nor am I co-dependant.  I have a positive outlook and know that there is always something to be learned and taken from every situation no matter how bad it might be.  To date, I am still unclear what it is that I am to understand and take away from this time in my life.  Some day it will become clear.  So, until then……

After finally getting free from a loveless, dysfunctional twenty-one year marriage, I decided to give online dating one more try.  A few days before Christmas 2014, I met the most amazing man.  We had so much in common and it was like we had known each other for years.  We spent all of our free time together.  My kids accepted him and I couldn’t have asked for a better father figure.  He filled a huge void for them (another blog for another time).  This is just how I imagined a relationship should be.  We supported each other in all of our endeavors and passions, and I finally understood at the age of forty-four what it felt like to be loved by someone and what it meant to truly love another.    

I craved his presence not his attention.  His job required that he travel some and we hated to be apart from one another.  He was usually only away for five days, but it seemed like an eternity.  During his absence, I felt as though a part of me was missing. We both counted the days as they dragged on until he returned.  I couldn’t help but worry when he was away.  To imagine a life without him hurt my heart and I felt as if someone had knocked the air out of me, leaving me gasping for my next breath.  Being apart from him even if it was only a few hours was painful.  I felt like I had lost so much time in my previous marriage and didn’t want more time to slip away from such a great relationship.  I was always so excited and eager to see him again when we were apart. To hug him, hold his hand, kiss him and just to spend time with him brought me so much joy, happiness and a smile to my face.  Oh, how he made me smile….. and laugh.  I can’t ever recall a time in my adult life that I felt so happy and full of life.  He brought so much love and brightness into my life.  He always made me feel like the most beautiful, loved and important woman in the entire world.  I was his world and he was mine. We were all each other ever needed and we were both the happiest we had ever been. He made me feel safe.  I loved everything about him, even all of his flaws.  I was responsible for his heart and he mine.  I know that this is how love is supposed to be and to truly love another makes anyone vulnerability to a broken heart.      

After several months of dating, he asked me to marry him.  I was honored to be his wife and couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else.  The thought of spending the rest of my life with him was all I could ever want.  We married in October 2015 and in February 2016, bought a house together that would accommodate our new family.  We made plans, talked about our future, where we’d like to retire and maybe buy a lake or beach house for our kids and us to all enjoy.  

Just a little more than a year ago, he underwent a total knee replacement.  He had other knee surgeries in the past and was up and about the next day.  Of course they were much less invasive and he hated being out of commission too long.  I told him that this was going to be very different and to not expect to be up and about as he has been in the past. Needless to say, he was in an extreme amount of pain.  It was a lot of trial and error before his doctor finally came up with a drug combination that gave him the most relief. Percocet, which most of you may not realize is prescription heroin.  Taking it only two weeks, you can become addicted.  Percocet becomes a normal chemistry process of the brain and when you stop taking it you will begin to experience withdrawal symptoms as your brain tries to re-regulate your brain chemistry.  He was also prescribed Gabapentin as medication to treat seizures, and one of its off label uses is for pain.  These two provided the most relief.  We were unaware at the time that it is not recommended to take opioids with Gabapentin as it can significantly increase side effects.  When the body is in extreme pain, there is little concern as to the consequences what drugs and drug combinations can do to your mind and/or body.  He took his medication as prescribed. Percocet every 4 hours and Gabapentin every 8 hours around the clock, never missing a single dose for just over 6 weeks.  I was concerned as time went on because I knew he would not be able to stay on Percocet forever and he needed to find someway to begin to taper off.  He did not share my same concern at first, but did admit that he was beginning to worry the further away we got from his surgery.  You can read more about addiction and treatment on Addictionblog.org

In October (2016) as he began to have less post surgical pain, we discussed with his doctor about tapering off.  The doctor recommended dropping the midday dose of Gabapentin but to keep with the same dose of Percocet at this time.  He did as the doctor recommended but since the drug has a very short half-life, only 5 to 7 hours, withdrawal symptoms begin twelve hours after the last dose was taken.  He did this for a short time but since his pain was much improved, he made the decision to stop taking Gabapentin. By doing this he suffered just about all the withdraw symptoms and after reading about Gabapentin, we both realized that stopping “cold turkey” was is a huge mistake.  This drug works by changing the way in which nerves send messages to your brain.  Stopping abruptly can cause seizures, increased blood pressure, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, agitation and many other symptoms.  Another reason this is not recommended is because it can alter brain function.  In some individuals it can take up to a year from the last dose for normal brain function to return while for others may never return.  These side effects become more severe when these two drugs are combined.  I did some research online and discovered that everyone who had suddenly stopped taking it without tapering had to put themselves back on their original dose and begin a slow taper.  The time of duration and taper depends on how much and how long you have been taking the medication.  You can read more by going to this link Gabapentin Withdrawal Symptoms & Duration.  He was slowly becoming someone I did not recognize.  He was depressed, agitated and withdrawn.  He was clearly not the same caring and patient man I fell in love with and everyone noticed the change.

All I wanted was my husband back.  We discussed how he was feeling and what was going on with him on several occasions.  I felt that things were not the same since making the attempt to get off his medication and the man I knew was slowly slipping away from me.  Honestly, he changed the day he just stopped taking Gabapentin.  Even though he started back on it and began to slowly taper, he wasn’t the same person.  It was as if someone flipped a switch and he was a completely different. I told him that it didn’t seem like he was happy and if he wasn’t happy with me or our life, it would break my heart if he left, but I did not want him to stay somewhere if he wasn’t happy.  He assured me that he we were ok and he was working on it.  As the days passed, it seemed like he was slowly making his way back to the man he was.  As the holidays grew near, we discussed Christmas.  He just didn’t seem like his heart was in any of it.  

He had to travel for work the first week of December and while he was away, my daughter and I decorated for Christmas, hoping this would bring him some happiness when he returned.  He seem excited to be home and as usual, I was excited he was home too.  The weekend rolls around.  On Sunday he did the laundry, we watched football and prepared for the week ahead. Monday morning, he got up, got us both a cup of coffee as he always did. I got ready for work, kissed him goodbye and went off to work. We always texted throughout the day and he would always text me asking when I was going to be home (He worked from home).  I had an easy day so I texted him and told him I’d be home soon. He replied “great!”.  My daughter noticed that our yorkie seemed to be missing. This was his dog he had before we met.  My husband had left and didn’t tell anyone that he was leaving or where he was going, which was not his norm.  My daughter called and said she couldn’t find our yorkie.  I texted my husband, asked if she was with him because my daughter couldn’t find her.  Since he was driving I knew it might be a bit before I heard back. I called him and the phone went to voicemail. When I tried again, the call was ended. This was all very strange because he always took my calls.  He texted me back.  His text said “It’s better this way, I’ll text you when I get where I’m going.”  I texted him back and asked what he was talking about and questioned if he was leaving me. He replied “yes”.  The morning of December 19, 2015 was the last time I saw and actually spoke words to my husband and the day my life changed…..forever.

life in America

“A Nation Gone Under”

Posted on by Susan Porter

I can’t imagine calling anywhere else in the world home.  I remember growing up, my family instilled in me what an honor it is to be an American.  It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Even today, despite all that is wrong with our great country, I am still proud to call this my home and myself an American.  The men and women of our armed forces have fought, many have given their lives so that we have the freedoms we do today.

It’s time that we as Americans go back to a more simple time when we believed in the word of God and live by the Amendments of the Constitution on which this great country was founded.  This is not intended to be a rant of religion or politics, but a message of how we need to treat our fellow Americans.  We should “love thy neighbor” and “treat others the way we would want to be treated”.  Ronald Reagan said it best, “If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be one nation gone under.”

With that said, it would never matter if you are black, white, hispanic, middle eastern, oriental, straight, gay, transgender, conservative, liberal….I think you get the point.  I have friends of all race and sexual preference.  I don’t think any less or any more of them if we don’t see things the same way.  We all don’t have to believe in the same ideas or beliefs.  Everyone is entitled to voice his or her opinions.  It’s a little thing we call the 1st Amendment and one of the many reasons what it means to be an American.  This is our right, but it his does not give us the right to be disrespectful to others who don’t share the same opinions or beliefs as you or I.  Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

There will always be differences.  (“Haters”, hate groups, white supremacy, racism the list goes on and on.)  No one is born to hate, hate is learned and/or taught.  I wish this wasn’t the case but it is and probably always will be.  I see these individuals as ignorant.  Not stupid, but ignorant.  There is a difference.  Ignorant is uneducated or lacking knowledge and anyone can fix that through education.  Stupid on the other hand, in my opinion is lacking intelligence and common sense (which appears to almost non-existent today, The Sad Passing of Common Sense ) and the inability to achieve higher learning. We are always most afraid of things we know little or nothing about.  No one race is better than any other.  To say that any one race are all criminals, simply just isn’t true.  There are good and bad people in every race.

This very same thing could be said about the travel ban.  America is not saying that all of these people are bad, only that there are bad people who’s intentions are not as honest as we would like to believe.  This is not meant to offend, but to protect you and I and our other fellow Americans from the dangers outside our boarders.  To just allow anyone to come into America to stay or live without the proper documentation, is insulting to the people who have worked hard and are proud of  being legal American citizens.  America has never said to ANYONE that you are not welcome.  All we are asking is that you come to America legally.  Don’t just take my word for it.  Here is what one of our own soldiers had to say about people beyond our boarders ( U.S. Marine Speaks the Truth).  Other countries in the world have different beliefs and ideas.  Some of the countries do not hold our same beliefs and they do not value life as we Americans do. We need to stop holding the hands of the countries that do nothing but spit in our faces.freedom

 

 

family and friends

In The Beginning…

Posted on by Susan Porter

Do you ever wonder what it is that makes life fun and worth living?  This is something I  have thought about and questioned especially over the last several months.  I think about what makes life fun, worth living and enjoyable.  I always come back to the same answers.  Family and friends, the people in our lives that are important to us. They make the things we do fun and exciting. We always look forward to spending time with the special people in our lives.  They are the ones who make us smile, laugh and just bring us joy and a good time.

These people are the ones we love, care about and trust with our most private thoughts. They are also the same people that can hurt, betray, let us down and leaving us wondering why the ones so close to us could hurt us so deeply.  We are so invested in these relationships that when this bond is broken or damaged in any way, it hurts us so deeply.  It causes us sometimes overwhelming pain, sadness, depression, anger and distrust. We trust our family and friends with our most personal thoughts, joys, and concerns.  We are totally invested in our friends and loved ones, or at least we should be.
Not having these people in our lives can make our lives feel lonely with little enjoyment and nothing fun or exciting to look forward to.

We all go through things in our life. Events is what I like to call them.  They are usually life changing in some way, whether it is good, bad, happy or sad.  These events make us stronger although at times it doesn’t seem always be the case.  Leaving us feeling like we are at our lowest and weakest possible point.

I have always been told that God would never give us more that we can handle. There have been many times that I have questioned this as I’m sure many others have as well.  I have even questioned God as to why he would let something bad happen to us.  At times life doesn’t always seem fair and why would God want anyone to feel such hurt, pain and sadness?  It is all part of the journey of life shaping us into who we are. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.  Each of these events big or small, point us in new and sometimes different directions that we thought we may never find ourselves going.

This is what brought me here today.  Several months ago I found myself in a place I never thought would every happen. It was a huge life changing event.  I found myself  in the darkest, lowest place in my life.  Honestly, it was a place that I thought I would never find my way out of.  It made me realize that sharing my story would not only help me get well, it could possibly help others.